Desperate

OK, so I haven't seen this blog for a while.  Living in my wonderful, detached bubble.  But it builds, and here I am again, feeling the pain of reality.

It was a pretty normal day, except He (14) hadn't taken his meds in the morning.  I didn't notice until it was too late.  (Am I going to need to make sure he takes them for the rest of his life?)  Life without Buspar just really sucks.  The "episode" was intense.  I don't even recall what it was about.  But It was enough for me to find a minute later to google "asperger therapeutic boarding school".

Seriously.

And at the time, I was totally calm and serious about it.  I mentioned it to hubby.  "I can't believe you would even think that."  At the time, I was like, well--why wouldn't I?  Seemed good to me.  In a school with other kids who understand and are also lonely and have no friends, living with them, exercising with them, food monitored and cooked for them.  Being taught things that maybe would be more "acceptable" because they weren't being taught by me or Dad.  Sounded GREAT!

Then yesterday, it hits me so blinkin' hard.  Failure.  Not good enough.  How could I relinquish my responsibilities to someone else?  I don't really want him to go.  I am just completely freaked out that the amount he needs to learn to function as a human is way too much for me to handle.

Has anyone else been tempted or actually sent their kids away?  (It just would have been a sememster or 2.)  I did meet one boy who had gone away for 2 years, not very far from home, and had come back having learned so much.  Maybe it's the contrast and maturity that you miss that makes it seem so??  Thoughts?