Not that I knew anything about parenting. I was a 28 year old married woman, who had tried unsuccessfully for a very long time to bring home a baby. Finally, with him I was bringing that long desired baby home with my husband, and amid the fatigue, pain, and joy there was sheer and resounding terror. What on earth was I supposed to do with this little person? What if I screwed him up? What if I broke him?
I managed to learn all that you learn in those first few years. Through the meltdowns, tantrums, hysterics and head beating on concrete, I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I was raising some sort of spoiled homicidal maniac. When we were asked to leave co-op preschool because he was having trouble submitting to the environment and other kids, (I think that the teacher secretly drugged those other kids to get them to be SO GOOD) I knew that it wasn't just my parenting.
We visited the doctor and I discussed all of the problems with behavior, and the obsessions which are above and beyond what is normal for any person, and where I was at emotionally handling this all. He confirmed that it probably was a form on Autism and that we needed to see a neurologist to confirm it all.
After getting that diagnosis I analyzed everything. Had I missed something? Was I overlooking something? What did I not see? The truth was that Asperger's really isn't that obvious, and until we had the concrete pile of evidence we couldn't look back and compile it all together.
Now here we are almost in July, of the following year, and he is doing better. I still deal with complete and total meltdowns over things that seem absolutely absurd to outsiders. People that don't understand Autism or Asperger's always seem to comment about how he is "fine" or looks "normal" little do they realize that it isn't a disease that you can't see.
I know that he will never be a "neuro-typical" child. I also know that he is brilliant, funny and amazingly tuned into things that most children don't have a clue about. Are there days that I would trade that because we are amid what seems like a never ending stream of chaos and insanity? I sometimes think that I would, but the truth of the matter is that I wouldn't. I wouldn't trade a single second of this chaotic madness that is my life for anything.
To read more about my CRAZY life, thoughts and views on Asperger's, Coffee, Anxiety and more head over to my blog Momma's Tantrum. I post there every day, or pretty darn close to every day.