Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Hey Bully, you Suck!
Nothing hurts more than watching your child be hurt and ostracized time and time again by other kids.
Mean kids.. Suck!
The neighbor kid used to jump our fence and play with my son's yard toys (swingset and sandbox). It would be one thing if he was coming over to play with my son, but he wasn't. He never had anything nice to say about him or to him, for that matter. He'd just make comments and say "He's wierd", "What's wrong with him", "I don't like him".
I believed for a long time this was just because he was young (about 5 or 6 at the time) and just didn't know any better. Then, I found out he was in an inclusive classroom and around autistic kids all the time. I thought, dear god - please tell me he is not like this with the kids at school. And if he is, please let a teacher guide him. But it just kept happening. It became clear, he was just going to continue talking about my son in a rude manner right in front of him as if my son didn't even exist. Hey kid, he might not talk a lot, but he heard every word that you said.
It made me boil inside. I had enough! I got off my wimpy butt and I talked to his parents. His mother was somewhat apologetic and said she would talk to him. And still, he was mean. He would climb our fence any time we were outside (and sometimes when we weren't outside) and play in our yard. This drove me bonkers (for liability reasons and also just out of a plain lack of respect). Finally, one day when he was half over our fence headed into our yard I told him: "If you come in our yard and play with Alex's toys, you need to be nice to Alex and not rude.". The next day his parents asked me why I yelled at their son. I told them exactly what I said, and they couldn't argue with it. Two years later, every time we go outside in our yard this kid still does the same kind of stuff. And, because of it we don't play in our own yard nearly as much as we should. How sad is it that my own kids can't enjoy playing in their own yard, with their own toys?
We were recently at a birthday party and a kid called my son "stupid" over and over and over again because of something he did that was completely innocent to him, and a part of his Autism.
I've come to realize that my son has a target on his back, Autism.
Pick on me.
Easy Target.
A sacrificial lamb.
and it sucks!
Here's what I want to know:
Is your autistic child the prey of bullies and on the receiving end of teasing by other kids? How do you handle this?
I'd love any pointers because it is killing me to witness this happen to my kid time and time and time again.
Just stop being mean to my kid, ok. It is Killing me!
Hi, I'm hellokittiemama and I'm a mother of 2 very special children, living at the Jersey Shore. You can find me blogging my mad life with an autistic genius and a neurotypical diva, the gluten & casein free diet, vaccination choice, and more... over at The Bon Bon Gazette - because you know that stay at home moms really do sit around all day watching soaps and eating bon-bons. Got Bon Bons?
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Well, Edward mostly gets teased because he is so much smaller than other children; he looks about 4 when he just turned 7. He's taken to screaming at the child: "I'm 7 not four, you &^$*#E!" Sometimes he uses the word 'stupid' which isn't good but at least he is standing up for himself.
ReplyDeleteIt's just plain hard. I wish I had more words of wisdom rather than the same old "role playing" stuff you've heard over and over and over...
In the past, I've spoken up to parents when my daughter was a target. Usually, this served to get a child to stop threating my child, but it never solved the actual problem of getting the kid to stop being a bully. I found that kids who are bullies often have parents who are bullies, or who are in denial.
ReplyDeleteOf course, my daughter is not autistic so it was easy enough to involve her in discussions of how to deal with the bullies herself, to avoid future problems.
Good luck keeping up your spirits, and that of your child, despite mean kids. Hopefully, your child will also find friends who aren't mean.
It's not crunchy-munchy or parentally enlightened, but Neighbor Brat has refrained from making those comments to me ever since he came over one day, made a snotty comment about three seconds after his feet hit the ground, and I kicked him out of our yard for it. I was a little surprised he didn't go running to his parents, but they never said anything. (Maybe it was because it was his second time.)
ReplyDeleteYou can't change his mind. You can't control his behavior. You can, however, enact certain consequences: if he's in our yard, zero tolerance, the first snotty comment he makes earns him a free and immediate trip back to his yard.
Wow. That made me cry.
ReplyDeleteMy son is 11 and has Asperger's.
I often wish he wasn't aware enough to realize how he's left out at times.
It helps beyond belief when we pull together as mom and "fight the bully" menality-- Well, if fighting the bullies happened to be an acceptable practice-I'd do that to.
Thank you for saying what many of us have thought.
Bullying is definitely one of the parts about autism that really sucks. My son was targeted so much that I am now homeschooling him because of it. A few months ago I wrote a series about bullying on my site; here is a link to a post containing some tips:
ReplyDeletehttp://teenautism.com/2008/06/10/what-to-do-if-your-child-is-being-bullied/
It makes my blood boil too. And not sure what the answer is.
ReplyDeleteAs a mom of two children who have autism, as a teacher and as a human being; it infuriates me when any child is subjected to this type of treatment...especially a child who is exceptionally vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteI would recommend:
1. Arranging a meeting with your child's teacher and principal, and requesting that appropriate disciplinary action be taken against the child who bullied your child and that the bully's parents be made aware of the situation.
2. Ask that all of the students your child encounters at school be educated about bullying and made aware of the consequences of bullying another child. All schools should have zero tolerance for bullying.
3. If the problem continues or the school is not taking steps to protect your child, file a police report and lodge a complaint with your school board.
4. If that does not resolve the problem, file complaints with your state board of education and the U.S. Department of Education Office for Civil Rights.
I swear, with everyone as witnesses, I'd kill my child if he ever even *thought* about doing those things.
ReplyDeleteThe sad part is that I don't think parents get it. I was bullied as a child -- geeky, nerdy, skinny, tomboy-ish, big ol'honkin glasses, not cute -- and those things stuck with me. Parents who weren't bullied just simply don't get it. I hear it on the playground with my son (albeit, he's not autistic just shy, timid and thin) -- oh, he's just a "boy being a boy."
So... a "boy being a boy" gives your son the right to push my son out of the way, so he can go down the slide first? It gives your son the right to elect my three-year-old as the "bad guy" and push him in the dirt? Does he have the right to run right into him and not apologize (it happened one day and my son came over, crying slightly and said "That mean boy didn't say "Excuse Me" or "I'm Sorry")?
I wish I had an answer, MT... I truly do... :(
Jen
Just doing a search about how to handle this and I found your blog...This is pathetic...I just don't get it. Unfortunately, this happens to my son with his own cousin!!! And my mother is in denial...tries to cover it up to keep the peace so I don't whack my nephew or his horrendous parents...and my sister and brother-in-law make excuses for the brat. This just happened last night and I almost lost it. Because of it, my husband will no longer go to my sister's house and I am about to do the same. I have tried, but there is no stopping it. It is outrageous and pathetic. I am going to teach my son to punch his cousin if he ever dares do it again...My son is very strong...much more than his cousin who is about 3-4 years older...so that's that. I'm also thinking about getting a small voice recorder and putting it in my son's pants when we go places...so the parents can't say that it didn't happen when I play the recording...
ReplyDeleteWhat type of autism does he have? His type can determine what methods work. Depending on his functioning level, I could give some suggestions. Having Aspergurs Syndrome, (a higher functioning autism)it was always a problem for me untill now. The last time I had to put up with it was 8th grade. What I found out was that the person giving me a hard time also had a type of autism (his was almost more noticable than mine) , but was in a diffrent section than me. Eventualy, I just flict him off every time we made eye copntact, and just ignored him. I never had to put up with him again, because it was my last year in middle school, so I guess this is different, but one of the things I tried and worked there was not telling people what abnormal things bothered me (whistling annoys me) . It was terrible in elementary school. Everyone knew that whistling bothered me, and so not only was I a target, but they knew what to use. I wasbasicly the laughing stock (and one of the better students) of the school. Talk to this kids parents and see if he gets punished each time. If he gets away with it, he will come back. If he dosen't get punished, try to reason with his parents. If so or if nothing else works, then get a restraining order or something.
ReplyDelete