Thursday, May 12, 2011

It Definitely Sucks!

For most kids at 15 your world is all about your friends.  Your family sucks.  Your parents don't know anything.  They don't get it.  They don't get you.  High school provides a connection source.  It's the place that you find most of your friends.  You take some classes you hate, some that you love, but your place in the hierarchy of this place can define a great part of your life.  Your experience here, shapes who you become to a degree.

High school can also be a place of shear torture for many kids. Being bullied, feeling left out, ostracized, desperately wanting to fit in, but feeling like you don't.  When you have Aspergers, an extreme deficit in social skills,  and sensory issues, you can multiply that torture X's 10 (at least).

It's near the end of the school year and Red is done, he's ready to check out.  Unfortunately you can't just say, "Sorry people...I'll see you next year, maybe."  You have to get through it.  Suddenly his classes are too loud.  There's too many people.  He hates this teacher and that teacher.

The bottom line is he's tired of feeling like a little gold fish in a huge ocean filled with sharks.
He's tired of swimming against the tide.
He's tired of not having any real friends.
He's tired of being surrounded by people but not being able to connect with any of them.
He's tired of the loudness of the classrooms.
He's sick of the sensory overload.

So he comes home and goes ballistic.
He screams to the top of his lungs at a simple request of taking a shower.
He rages and rants about how horrible his life is.
He becomes more aggressive more angry with those of us who love him.
He is miserable and he wants the rest of us to join the misery party.
He pounds us with scripts and demands to buy him new things that he thinks will make him happy.
He has yet to realize that things don't make you happy.

Everything that is wrong in his life is somehow my fault.
I am the person who works tirelessly to find answers.
I am the one he thinks can make things better for him.
I am the person that he knows loves him unconditionally.
I always forgive him.
This gives him license to treat me like crap.

I keep it moving forward...trying to help him and my younger son, who also has Aspergers.
Therapies, doctors, social skills, medicine, advocating, ARD meetings, IEP's, BIP's, carpools, entertaining
I keep a smile on my face, trying to focus on my blessings.
I pray and see small victories, but can't help but wonder why I'm not seeing any miracles.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven -Ecclesiates 3:1

In my head I know this is true, but when your child suffers, it's hard to figure out the purpose of that.  Help me Lord.

Please stop by and visit me @ Confessions of An Aspergers Mom
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  1. How frustrating it is to be seen as a villain when we, as moms, are the number one advocates! If only they realized that we are the best friends they have! My boy goes around painting this horrible picture of his life and somehow it is all my fault. Then I get people coming to me trying to tell me what he needs! How can I possibly describe to someone who doesn't live with it or understand it that I am doing everything I can, sometimes live, eat and breath Asperger's, and still find myself helpless to help him?

  2. Hang in there- the year is almost over {{{Hugs}}}

  3. This time of year is so hard for our kids. My son is also showing a lot more unwanted behavior right now. Hopefully things will smooth out soon.

  4. This pains me to read and I pray you keep strong. I can relate to your helplessness and how sometimes it does suck big time. I am dreading the time when my kid goes thru the teenage years & begins to feel her limitations more. Keep the faith. You have the strength within you.

  5. Yeah, high school sucks when you have Asperger's. I haven't been back to my high school since I graduated in 1976 -- waaaaay too many triggers. I was just as miserable as you describe your son being.

    But for many of us, high school is a low point, and things get better from there. Really! I hear it from my fellow Aspies all the time. So hang in there.

  6. Your post brought tears to my eyes. And it made me mad when I think of all the bloggers who say autism/Asperger's is a "gift". I have never thought of it that way, not when I see the affect it has on my son and his ability to relate to others, make friends, etc. Of course I love him the way he is and don't want to "change" him but I would move heaven and earth to make his life more enjoyable for him and to make things easier. He is who he is despite ASD not because of it. Hang in there and hugs to you and your son.

  7. Dear AspergersMom,

    I feel for you and hear you. I've only just found you. Where have you been all my sons life? My son is 20 and has Aspergers. I haven't told any of my friends yet but my son has just gone to jail...for 2 weeks. What's the point of that?

    Since I'm new here i'll resist the temptation to blab my lifes story.

    But I hear you loud and clear when you say "I am the person that he knows loves him unconditionally.
    I always forgive him."

    I get you.
    xxx <3

  8. Karen: I could have written this!! In fact, I was coming here to do just that. My son is 12, will be 13 in November and everything you just said...and more. I am in tears right now over the argument (which, by the way, he can never, ever, ever lose as long as he gets the last word) we had, and the day we have had. Today was promotion for our homeschool group. It has been a stressful, stressful day. All this to say...I understand, I empathize. I wish I didn't, but I do.

  9. Hi Karen, I understand and I have lived this life. I send you a huge hug. Don't you just want to give him a continual hug that shows him you understand how he is feeling. I think my non- verbal son with severe autism has the ability to throw on me what he is feeling so I know how to help him. I noticed you say "He's tired of the loudness of the classrooms. He's sick of the sensory overload." I used an auditory program called integrated listening systems and my son stopped covering his ears. It really helps with sensory issues and with this program my son with severe ADHD was able to get off 4 meds. You might want to check into it to help him be more comfortable in his skin. I saw on twitter they were looking for bloggers to use the program and write about it. xoxox


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