Monday, March 29, 2010

A bit of a vent...

OK, Asperger's does suck in my practical mind, but when I'm in my happy place----I love him and he is amazing and funny.  Unfortunately the world requires that I perform in a practical and functioning way.  At this point in our conversation, you may not be sure if I am the aspie in addition to having a child with it...  How do I answer that question? I don't know.  I haven't been tested.  But deep down in there, I really honestly could have Asperger's Syndrome.  That idea freaks me out, so I don't go there very often. It makes me somewhat sick to think about it.

Which brings me to my son.  He is 13.  That 3-word sentence gives you lots of information: obsessed, moody, depressed, temper, overwhelmed, lonely, sad, manic.  Other offerings I can give are: singing all Beatles all the time, creating new and 'exciting' Star Wars stories and reciting them to everyone he sees, on medications for abrupt and intense mood changes (are you shocked?) and pretty severe death wishes.

Both of my kids were brought up in public school until last spring 2009.  My daughter (8) has some unidentified educational quirks that we are trying to figure out.  My son was getting beaten and the school policy was not helping.  The environment in middle school 'sucks' for almost everyone, but for aspies, it's torture.

Obviously since I am homeschooling, I'm not overly concerned about conforming to societal norms.  I don't NEED him to perform everything that I would expect of another son.  I never did.  I was concerned with his happiness, and my own sanity in providing that.  My aunt's philosophy with her aspie son is different.  She has pretty much pushed him through the door of various sports teams, and held the door shut while he struggled to get out.  He eventually performs, but I've rarely seen him smile.  My oldest brother-in-law (aspie) was raised somewhere in between, but he is now 48 years old, so it was a different environment altogether.

I do have hopes for him for the future.  These expectations are small and specific and vary day to day.  For instance, I hope he will grasp the principles of writing various forms of papers this coming school year, so he can go to college.  I hope he is able to keep the few friends he has.  I'd like him to successfully attend New Tech High when the time comes.  None of my plans for him go beyond a few years time.  How can they?

We're a pretty religious family, and I know Heavenly Father loves him.  I have seen evidence of that in gifts, in  little miracles.

But I am tired.  I am worried.  I struggle to be a good parent to both of my kids, but I especially feel that I could easily fail.  Asperger's sucks because we don't live in my happy place.  Because I am not perfect and perfectly consistent and perfectly sane all of the time.  I know what you're saying---"you're doin' fine, don't expect perfection, it'll be okay."  Whatever.  Hopefully, someone is thinking, I understand her feelings.  I need that probably most of all.    


  1. Oh, I really do understand how you feel. AT 12 we are on the cusp of puberty and facing those swings you describe. It is so very hard to hold onto the hope when you are tired, and a new battle of wills is about to begin.

    I also see so much of my self in my child: obsessional, black and white in opinion, incredible sense of my oppinion of right and wrong.

    You are not alone. In fact this is so nearly word for word what I blogged about a few weeks back it is scary.

    Lucky for me another Mum whose son is now an adult commented on mine and gave me back my hope. Scared the hell out of me in warning it would get harder, but showed me the light at the end.


  2. Oh this is such familary ground for me. And I had no internet blogging help when I was going through it. (my son is now 24) I hauled him out of public school mid way through grade 6 when things went horridly bad. (and truthfully I hadn't thought they could get much worse) I didn't count on how my son couldn't grasp social things. How he would genuinely believe what other kids told him a girl wanted to hear and how we would nearly face police charges of harrassment and stalking. We didn't have a formal dx of aspergers at that point but in all actuality I don't think it would help. His behavior was still wrong and i doubt understanding that he was doing what he thought "friends" were telling him would have helped. I remember the moods and the intensity of the rages. Still see them some time but for the most part they did level out. And scholastically he flourished as a homeschooler. His intellect is his gift.

  3. tami: boy can I appreciate this! My son is 11, with attitude to spare. We also homeschool. He isn't on any meds at this point, but if he keeps up with the mood swings...

    thanks for writing. You might want to add a short one-line bio w/ a link to your blog. If I can be of any help, email me at autismsucksblog @ the geemail.

    Tina, chief agitator 'round these parts

  4. Here's my one-liner, if I can manage it. Happily married, 2 kids, one aspie, one Maltese, and 2 butterflies. Happy that my aspie son bonded well with me, and can 'read' my face and trust me. Recent home schooler. Most days I'm in love with, but not-so-much on others.

  5. You are in the middle of puberty and it is tough! I homeschooled my son through Junior High and it was hard but so worth it! Prayer is so helpful for me and you are right, God loves your son!

  6. I found this blog by accident. Feeling a bit pissy and googled the name of this blog! Irony! Hey, you are all right. Here's the deal; our humanness is what it is. You are a human. Me too. It's all good. I am in the same place with my son. You know, a friend of mine said, that in some cultures, our children's souls pick their parents.

    I thought this was crap, but being with my son, and all the STUFF that goes on, well, it's true. In some way, us "chosen" we seem to handle it (good or bad). I think it's mostly good though. Blog on.

    Gritty City Woman (

  7. Hmm, you think you have Aspergers.

    Maybe that could explain your bluntness?

    I would not say autism sucks, just the negative parts of it do. Some parts of neurotypicality suck 45 as well.

    I do appreciate the reality exposure. It creeps me out that some people never say anything negative about autism, but they do make me feel better about myself.


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