OK, so I haven't seen this blog for a while. Living in my wonderful, detached bubble. But it builds, and here I am again, feeling the pain of reality.
It was a pretty normal day, except He (14) hadn't taken his meds in the morning. I didn't notice until it was too late. (Am I going to need to make sure he takes them for the rest of his life?) Life without Buspar just really sucks. The "episode" was intense. I don't even recall what it was about. But It was enough for me to find a minute later to google "asperger therapeutic boarding school".
Seriously.
And at the time, I was totally calm and serious about it. I mentioned it to hubby. "I can't believe you would even think that." At the time, I was like, well--why wouldn't I? Seemed good to me. In a school with other kids who understand and are also lonely and have no friends, living with them, exercising with them, food monitored and cooked for them. Being taught things that maybe would be more "acceptable" because they weren't being taught by me or Dad. Sounded GREAT!
Then yesterday, it hits me so blinkin' hard. Failure. Not good enough. How could I relinquish my responsibilities to someone else? I don't really want him to go. I am just completely freaked out that the amount he needs to learn to function as a human is way too much for me to handle.
Has anyone else been tempted or actually sent their kids away? (It just would have been a sememster or 2.) I did meet one boy who had gone away for 2 years, not very far from home, and had come back having learned so much. Maybe it's the contrast and maturity that you miss that makes it seem so?? Thoughts?
Monday, October 25, 2010
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Sometimes I think of it and it is like a dark thrilling dream. He wouldn't be my responsibility. I wouldn't be the one screwing him up. But I know I never could. It isn't that I'd never want to, I just couldn't.
ReplyDeletehmmm....you should try autism in raw form (un-medicated) we thought about an overnight week long summer program but of course we already know it would not go well but maybe it would work for your son I know my neuro-typical son thrives at 12 from a 2 week overnight camp and comes home happy as can be.
ReplyDeleteRan the same google search just yesterday. Can't imagine I'd actually do it, but the fantasy of not having meltdowns or pacing or anger in my face is sometimes overwhelmingly attractive in those very dark moments. I also think about the benefit to my other two boys of not having to walk on eggshells for a while and the learning that he would get if he could get 24/7 help from professionals.
ReplyDeleteThinking about it makes me giddy!!! My son was inpatient for a weekend because he was a danger to himself (after developing paranoid from being bullied). Best.Weekend.EVER. Ok. Not really. I was a mess because he was in the hospital, but for my other 4 kids it was AWESOME!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to be a contributor for this blog (I am married to an Aspie and have 2 of my 5 children on the Spectrum as well)
ReplyDeleteHow do I do that?
Thanks!
Debra,
ReplyDeleteenter your email address above on the left, and click "subscribe". Then you'll be able to post, if I recall correctly.
When people suggest to try not medicating it pisses me off....Do these people actually think that medicating was the first choice? God, there should be a etiquette guide for autism.
ReplyDeleteJust discovered this blog today. I have no answers but am sending hugs. xo
ReplyDeleteDon't feel quite so lonely after reading this post....I found it by googling for a therapeutic day school for my super hard 11 yr.old Aspie...autism does suck...we are really kinda sick of the repercussions that never end...looking for enlightenment and grace. My blog is www.lifeslikethis2@blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteI did send my son away to school, two years ago and it has been a great experience for everyone, especially him.
ReplyDeleteWell, you're being totally honest and I admire that. Maybe it would do him some good to have to be at a school like that for a short time, and push him to have to develope his social skills and self control. You just have to make sure it is a safe and good environment that will push him to grow.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've wanted to take my son and check him into a residential facility many times after a huge blowout (just to get a break and some peace and quiet), so I can definately relate.
Don't feel so guilty. It's just so damned hard sometimes.