Friday, July 16, 2010

Ah ha!

Every once in a while, I see a glimmer of light and hope inside of "14".  Typically it appears that he's clueless when it comes to how other people are feeling, or thinking.  He's is very much self-absorbed, which is typical for most 14 year old boys, but for one with Asperger's...that's putting it mildly! The world is typically seen through a very narrow point of view -HIS! Who cares about what other people think?  It's all about ME! On an intellectual level, I know this.  Does it make it any less exasperating or annoying? No.

So he's asking me over and over again, not only about when I'm going to buy him this $500 dollar video camera.  That is the rant of the week.  He also ads in a little dose of, "When can my friend come over? Why don't you like him? Is it because he has special needs.  You think he's weird! You think he's annoying don't you?"  Have I ever said anything to that effect? Absolutely not.  Do I let him come over every time "14" asks? No I do not.  Have I taken him and his friend to the mall, out to eat, to 'Best Buy' to hang out, to the movies. Yes! Does he remember or appreciate that? No.

I tell my son that he plays a big part in why his friend can't come over whenever he wants.  "You fight with your brother on a consistent basis.  You make no effort to get along with him.  You annoy him on  purpose.  You get him spun up to the point where he's yelling and screaming and you want me to add to that headache by inviting your friend over who does the exact same thing? Why would I do that? Do you think I enjoy having headaches?!"

"I fight with "11" because he hates my singing and because he calls me fat!"  That is hardly the only reason he fights with his younger brother.  But let's take a look at that...where did it all begin? Well let's see you started this whole tit for tat insult flying with, "You have the ugliest teeth! I hate the way your voice sounds!"  Are these things that your brother can help or change? No.  You hurt his feelings, therefore, he finds a way to hurt your feelings.  This should be obvious, but for the mind-blind Aspie -it is not.

And here's the light bulb...the glimmer of hope, "I think I fight with him because he has Asperger's too, but he doesn't take any medication and he doesn't have a therapist." WOW! Is he right?  I don't know.  But at least he's thinking beyond himself.  I inform him that his younger brother doesn't quite have the same issues as he does.  He has no problem with focusing and behavior at school, therefore we haven't seen the need for medication.  Does he need a private therapist? Probably so.  I think what they need is a sibling therapist to come to the house and see the hell they put me through. I haven't figured out how to make that happen yet.

As his younger brother gets into the tween stage, he has become much more angry, aggressive and somewhat depressed.  It is something we need to address.  I explained to "14" however, that he is older and should be more mature and could really work on ignoring things if he wants to have the freedom to have a friend over especially, one who also loves to annoy his brother.  I explained that for now...I would like to see him continue to nurture his relationship with his friend (who by the way has his own set of special needs).  In order to do so, he has to do his part in making peace before we add more fuel to the fire.

I mean why would I do that?  I'm a good mom...but I'm not crazy!


  1. I can so relate to your post! It sounds like my boys. My 14yr has the Aspergers & OCD and my 10 yr old has ADHD. They are close to being 5 years apart, and that difference hasn't always been a bonus. My youngest is tired of his older brother treating him crappy and decided this year to retaliate after taking it for years.
    Lord, just get me thru this day - This is what goes thru my mind multiple times a day. Is your son in a special school, or a public. We had to leave the public school system and pay for private this past year which was 8th grade. The cost is killer, but we believe its the only way he'll make it thru until graduating.

  2. My oldest son is 9, he has pdd-nos but is doing a lot of the things you say your 14 and 11 year olds are doing. So thanks for letting me know that we're not alone. Our doctors think it is part of the run up to puberty. Yikes! Not sure how many years of name calling, angry behavior I can take.


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