Punching Bag

Rant on.

What would you choose? A couple of bruises, scratches or some other boo-boo, or someone yelling nasty words at you constantly?

I’ll take the bruises, scratches, and boo-boos, thank you very much.

In the early days of my son’s diagnosis, he became a bit of a hitter and kicker. I was typically the targeted punching bag (he rarely did this stuff to others; thank God as it was bad enough for me and my husband, so fortunately no one else was in the mix). At 11, he’s grown far better with this physical behavior. It still stirs the autism pot once and awhile, but thankfully it’s short lived and medication evens the playing field.

Last week, though, in a tantrum moment (worst we’d had in some time), I took a hit in the face, like a slap. It wasn’t too bad and when my son came out of his autism world and took a trip to my world when the anger haze lifted, he was overly apologetic and remorseful. I appreciated the apology, but I still felt worn down, beat up, and dirty.

It’s the words. My kid’s words feel like getting hit full blast with sharp-cornered bricks. They hurt worse than a slap, that’s for sure. And it’s not the typical smarting off, backtalk, or pre-adolescent crankiness. Nope, this ranks right up there with pure verbal abuse (laced with some God awful expletives). Again, I am the punching bag here as well (Dad gets some too, but I am the primary caregiver during the week, so I take more sadly). We work really hard with him on dealing with this vitriol with a variety of techniques we’ve learned from his medical and educational teams (and former family counselors, I say former because my kid refuses to get behavioral therapy and pitches a fit in their offices). Regardless of the trying everything including total honesty ( I feel hurt when you say those things, here’s why, etc.) it doesn’t work. In the meantime, I am feeling physically and mentally exhausted. Mind you, I don’t have this every day. But enough. Even if it’s just once during a period of a couple weeks or a month, it’s ENOUGH.

Some relatives took my son recently for a long outing (of course he’s an angel with them). I did not miss him. I did not think of him. And I don’t feel an ounce of guilt for saying that. And I don’t feel bad I said this in an open, public forum either.

Rant off. Thank you.

Come visit my tired but trying to have fun self and get down to the nitty gritty with me right HERE.

Mommy meltdown

Today I cried. I had finally had it. Having children on the spectrum really sucks, and I have gone on for so long with just “dealing with it” every day that it finally happened. Mummy meltdown. Not to have a poor pity me session but seriously it was bound to happen. How long did I think I could actually go on here with 6 children, no help, and two on the spectrum?

Granted there are other children who have far worse disabilities, but here in this household it is bad enough. The worse thing about having a child on the spectrum is that the do not look like they have a disability. They look so typical. But back to the mummy meltdown. It was probably brewing over March break as each child came down with a nasty stomach bug, one after the other. So when it was back to school today I was glad to be back into the regular routine.

However, my Joshua had a rough time getting back into the school thing and didn’t want to go. I finally managed to get him into the truck and over to the school, but once there he put up a terrible fight and wouldn’t get out. I had to call out the VP who fortunately for me is a great guy and totally gets Joshua. So after about 15 minutes of Joshua screaming, kicking, hitting and trying to run off, the VP managed to get him under control and into the school and so I left.

Then I cried. Hard. The flow of tears felt like it would never end. For half an hour I allowed myself to scream “why me?” I allowed myself to yell at all those ignorant people who claim Autism can be cured by diet, or other things that only give us parents false hope. I allowed myself to feel the guilt and shame that comes along when my son chases the garbage man in his truck down the street screaming for him to give back his stuff, or when he has violent outbursts, or when he has a meltdown in the grocery store. I allowed myself to feel guilty about not being able to spend more quality time with my 4 typical children because Zak and Josh require me 24 / 7. I allowed myself to be me, not the supermom people think that I am.

Then I stopped. Wiped away the tears. I am a wife, a bitch and the biggest advocate for all of my children. I am a momof6 who only has time to feel sorry for herself for about half an hour, once a month or so. Times up.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Please....scream louder (autismsucksrocks.blogspot.com)
• Get Out, Explore, and Have Fun! (whitterer-autism.blogspot.com)
• Leaving You Well Informed. But Definitely Leaving. (squidalicious.com)

What's it like to have a "normal" child?

I have no idea.

By the word normal, I mean typical. Regular. What you expect to get when you get a kid. The word most people use anyway, whether or not it's PC these days or not...

I'll go ahead and say it: My kids are not normal. I can be OK with that to a point. There are a lot of people that are not normal. I sure don't mean to step on any toes here, so please don't take offense. I am in no way trying to insult anyone or anyone else's kids. But my sweet kids, they are not normal.

I have three children. E (boy) is 11, L (boy) is 6 and K (girl) is almost 2. E has Asperger's ADHD and OCD, L has high functioning Autism and K is speech impaired, very delayed in all areas and though not diagnosed yet, she stims and requires a lot of special accommodating, just like her brothers.

I suppose people feel sorry for me and my husband, but I don't want anyone to. I just would love for people to be more educated about this messed up world of Autism. How there are so many degrees, variations, exceptions, labels, theories, treatment options and it's confusing. It's not just that "your kids are delayed, they act a little strange, they'll outgrow it - hopefully". Not even close, thank you very much.

My kids look completely normal and sometimes you can look at them and would never know there is anything different about them. At first. But E has no social skills and flaps his hands against his legs and in his lap very loudly. He repeats things he heard over and over (yeah, like Rainman). L gets overwhelmed, sometimes freaks out and clamps his hands over his ears and will not take them off. He babbles like a baby in some little babble language he made up and can only put together a few words at times. K still eats baby food from a jar and still drinks from a bottle because she can't tolerate much else or she gags and throws up. She screams and goes ballistic if we go anywhere where there are too many people or there is too much noise.

The two older ones still have toilet issues and need pull-ups sometimes. They ride the special bus. They're in special ed classes. They have almost no awareness of how other kids their age behave, even when they are around them. They get upset and throw screaming temper tantrums if something we see as trivial upsets them. They don't get concepts other kids much younger than them seem to understand. We don't go to movies, the zoo, museums, the beach, the library, Chuck E Cheese,anyone's home or any other place that would be certain disaster should I be brave enough to try to take just one of them there. Too much light, noise, people, excitement, activity, etc. Yes, my kids have had complete meltdowns in public. The first rule that I learned the hard way is: don't make eye contact! When my kid starts up in public and it's getting ugly, I don't make eye contact with anyone! Focus on the child and deal with it accordingly. Yes, people look and sometimes they comment. So? I deal with my kid, not the ignorant person that isn't minding their business.

This is not even all of it. See, this Autism thing, way more than any parent bargains for..

You can't just give kids like this more discipline, or expect them to suck it up and act normal, or try to distract them with a toy or video or something. This is just who my kids are and it's all I know. And as bad as this sounds, please know that my kids are the sweetest, most beautiful babies to me. They are capable of loving us, and each other. They have strengths, skills, and something to offer. They are special and unique. And sometimes, they surprise when they do or say something typical.

I do make my kids behave, apologize when they have done something they should not have, and I am teaching them manners. I will not let Autism be an excuse for my kids to get away with doing anything that would be wrong or cause harm to others..

It's hard for me to relate to parents of typical kids. I will never know what it's like to have a normal child. And I don't know what it is that caused all of mine to have this. And it's not something I can really make anyone understand if they are not going through it themselves.

I hope this blog can help anyone that would like to understand more, either for themselves because they have a child with Autism, or as someone that wants to know more because they don't.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Let's Talk about Autism and Homeschooling and ..Craziness (autismsucksrocks.blogspot.com)
• Autism and Homeschooling: Why? (autismsucksrocks.blogspot.com)
• Something You Can Do...RIGHT NOW (autismsucksrocks.blogspot.com)
• Radio show on homeschooling special needs kids (sweetschooling.blogspot.com)

For the Last Time, It's NOT My Parenting (and if you ask again, I'm Going To Throw You Off A Bridge)

It started over tea. She wanted to have a tea party. But she didn't want to use water. That's for babies! She wanted me to make tea. Which I couldn't do, I was helping her older sister with her Algebra. Part of homeschooling is taking turns. Littles, at 7, isn't always good with that. Well, let's face it, she is really bad at it. When it is her turn, she expects everyone else to wait. But make her wait? And it is Meltdown-City. She will extract her pound of flesh, one way or another. Of course, it passed. It always does. But the aftermath for me is the hardest part. The way I am left feeling: drained, defeated, ready to cry.

I suppose I shouldn't be too upset. She hasn't had a tantrum all week long. Her dad was gone for ten days and in that time, she has been fine. We have had a few missteps here and there, but no full blown I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU episodes. Maybe that means she is getting older. Maybe that means the developmental delay that is Autism Spectrum Disorder is righting itself. Maybe that means the naked chanting that I did by melting green crayon and throwing sheets to the wind has paid off. (I am just kidding about that last part.) Maybe it's just that the tide is high and the moon is low. Hell, I don't know.

And that's part of the problem. I don't know. If you ask me a question about grammar or algebra or llama breeding, I can probably tell you. Or, barring that, I can find out. But as far as the exact reason my daughter is tantrumming, or the tried and true foolproof method of stopping said fit, that seems to be missing on Google. Certainly there are suggestions, but what if they don't work? What then? With children, you don't add A to B and necessarily get C.

If I was a carpenter, I would be sure that I have the latest tools, the best ones to get the job done. A hammer will always work as a hammer. A level, well, that's designed for leveling. With just a few simple tools, a carpenter can build many things. With a few more, he becomes a master craftsman. It can take a lifetime to wield the tools correctly. But even if his skill is only passable, he will be able to create a chair.

As a parent, I work hard to develop my parenting skills. I think if had neurotypical children I would be a pretty good parent. I add tools to my toolbox often. They say if you only tool you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. I am guilty of this at times. But a soft word or patience? Those don't always work. In truth, there are times that I run out of tools in my toolbox. I keep thinking if I just gain more gadgets, if I just learn more schematics, I will, eventually, build the Taj Mahal. But with autism? All bets are off. Sometimes, a level ends up as a fulcrum. Or a hammer ends up as a paper weight. Sometimes, I end up dancing around like a monkey because I have to think outside the box. Down is up, and and Left is Right and OhMyGod is it 5 o' clock yet??

I am not a drinker. I have a bit of Irish Cream or Kahlua in my hot cocoa or coffee about twice a month. A glass of wine about as often. And though I talk about it, I just don't do it. There are times I wish I did drink more. Then I wouldn't care so damn much when I reach the end of the toolbox and find nothing but sandpaper and a ball ping hammer. But I do care, and it kills me and I always wonder, why can't I be a better parent? Why can't I help her calm down before she gets to that place where she is completely unreasonable? Why must I be left feeling like a hollow shell with every nerve exposed? What am I doing wrong?

Tina Cruz is a writer, wife and mother of three children, two who have high-functioning autism, one who has Asperger's tendencies. She advocates for autism awareness and education, as well as acceptance. She views autism as a growth process and the opportunity to connect parents for support as a privilege. She is the Special Needs Editor at typeamom and her own site, Send Chocolate reflects her passion for her children and autism. She is the founder and editor here at Autism Sucks.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Is extreme prematurity a risk for autism? (cnn.com)
• Conor's Hour In Hell - Autism Reality At The Hospital (autisminnb.blogspot.com)
• What Asperger's Is Like From The Kids Who Have It (sendchocolatenow.com)
• Does Big Bang's Sheldon have Asperger's syndrome? (tvsquad.com)
• My nerd thing and Asperger's Syndrome (cnewmark.com)

A Day in the Life on the Spectrum

Most of the time I have no idea why my daughters start a tantrum. It is usually only in hind sight, I can hypothesize what led up to the tantrum although, I never know accurately why or what instigated the revolting reactions known as The Tantrum. Before I go on, let me clear up what I am talking about when I say tantrum. Because, a lot of kids have tantrums. They usually throw them when they didn't get their way or maybe when they didn't have enough sleep or are hungry. And, to a stranger, that is what our daughters' tantrums might seem like at the moment. But please, let me elaborate >>>

Somewhere...

Somewhere, there is a mom who has a child with Autism. This mom could be your cousin or niece, a neighbor, lady at church or in front of you at the grocery store. You might run in to her at a soccer game or at a new mom's play group in the neighborhood. Her child may be able to speak and read and write and look perfectly normal most of the time. But there may be times when you notice the quirks. You may notice that the child doesn't engage and is always running off, covering her ears when a garbage truck belches by then throws a tantrum like you have never seen before. You may wonder if the mom knows that her child has Autism. You may want to reach out to her or her child. Then do. Ask her questions. Accept her and her child just the way they are. She is just trying to navigate life like you are and she needs friends who accept her. Be patient. God has blessed her with her child. God will bless you when you reach out to them. Learn more about the Life of a Juggernaut... It's all about taking two steps forward and ten steps backward, but moving onward and upward one day at a time. Read more about the legacy of the Crazy Jugs, please visit today's posting >>>