I Had To Have The Sex Talk With My Son And I Lived to Tell About It

I had “The Talk” with my son. We both survived, barely. He is twelve now, and I know what you’re thinking: WHY are you just now having this discussion with him? Do you live under a rock? Don’t you know what kids are capable of getting into these days? Do you want your kid to be a statistic?

Believe me, I get it. But you have to understand…I have tried to have The Talk with my son before this, many times. Each time, he politely rebuffed me.

My son has High-Functioning Autism. It is as the name implies. Some professionals call it Asperger’s Syndrome. It means he has trouble with social cues, reading body language, some processing problems as well as trouble controlling his impulses, like anger. He is easily embarrased, so it didn’t surprise me that he did not want to discuss his burgeoning sexuality with his mother. This is the kid who hides his eyes if I take him with me to mall and we happen to pass the lingerie store. There have been no shortage of attempts on my part to usher him into the ways of the world. He always swore he was not interested.

So when I found that he had been googling, “penis” and “breasts” I figured, protest though he may, it was time. I am a smart woman. I have safe search on, so he didn’t find anything except Wikipedia pages…no trauma. I get that kids, boys in particular, can be curious. I am just thankful that no damage was done! And I am also grateful that I have enough technical savvy to know how to lock down the computers!

So, how do you talk with your son about something you both find highly embarrassing without losing your mind? The answer, it seems, is just do it. Do not make a big deal about it.

Five Ways to Discuss The Subject Without Wanting to Run and Hide

1. Be as matter-of-fact as you can. Lay out the information without a lot of emotion, as though you were tutoring someone who speaks a different language. We are talking autism here. That is, after all, what you are doing.

2. Refrain from idioms, editorializing, and heavy opinion. All of these will be ignored by a kid with autism. He probably won’t get most of them, anyway. It is easy to get “on a roll” and end up losing the kid halfway through the process.

3. Don’t bother asking, “Do you understand?” He probably won’t admit it either way. Just lay out the information as best you can. If you are good at reading your child, you can elaborate if need be.

4. This is a good time to explain society’s views on women, respect, pornography…just try to do it without making the kid feel belittled. Did I like that my son googled body parts? NO. Did I tell him I don’t want him to do it anymore? YES. Did I make him feel like a bad person? Absolutely not. Kids need guidance, and that’s what I gave him.

5. Refrain from what I call “Aesoping” even though it is very satisfying as a parent. This is basically when you say, “I told you so!” Kids learn from their experiences. You can certainly point out the learning, but don’t rub their nose in it. That only serves to make you feel bigger than he is. One-upping a child doesn’t make us better, it makes us bullies. And with a kid with autism, it makes him shut down.

Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m no Pollyanna. It’s not all roses and sunshine around here. I was floored when I found out my son had been …exploring google. It wasn’t easy. But instead of making it about me, and my parenting, and what I am doing right or wrong, I made it about my son. Having a child going through puberty is difficult. I can only hope I have set the groundwork for my son, and that if he does have questions later he can ask instead of looking in all the wrong places for answers.

All in all, it was a painless process for us both. But I have to admit: I am very glad that I only have one son! Somehow, talking to the girls is just so much easier.

Tina has two children on the Spectrum and one who is a quirky teen. Autism Sucks is her brainchild. She also blogs at her personal blog, Send Chocolate Now.

Free Advice

I want one of those shirts that say, "Parenting advice not welcome unless you too have a child with autism." No, actually, I want a neon sign! I am fed-up with the self-proclaimed experts who have endless streams of advice about my child. One mother of three, jumps on my case about not getting my child out enough. She knows a child with autism who goes out every day. Out, in this case meaning to crowded places like malls and parades and the local pool.

It turns out, the child she "knows" (who is a teenagaer, NOT a two year old)goes to the donut shop with his mother every day. The child comes in, orders his donut and leaves. Sounds to me it might be some sort of social therapy.This same helpful mother also claims that if my child was surrounded by children every day, he would "get used to it." Right. The children she speaks of are her three boys. They are cute kids but they fight violently with one anoher constantly. I'm talking rolling on the floor all out brawls! They do not have autism. They are just underdisciplined. They climb on tables (yes the dining room table too), they yell at their mother and they have even slapped her.

This woman knows my plight. I am a 47 year old adoptive mother of an autistic child. My 57 year old husband has severe COPD and is beginning to exhibit signs of eary alzheimers. I am in the house 24/7 x 365. I go out to take my child to his doctor or to group. I also go food shopping. Where ever I go, my child comes with me. So, he does get out. Other than that I am at home. I get no 5 minute break other than when both take naps. I have lost all my friends. Who wants to be with someone so boring? So, any way, my husband recently started having some serious issues with his COPD. This wonderful woman offered to babysit so I could go to the hospital with him. Didn't she show up with her three children and a friend. Well, needles to say, my husband again had to go alone.

My body feels like it has been put through a ringer. I am tired and so stressed out. My patience are wearing very thin. I am telling people I love to F off! Funny thing, people still come to me with their problems. I used to care. Now, I am too burnt out. I cannot get respite, I can't afford what sitters charge. This is it for me for a long time to come. I just hope that when my husband passes, I will have found some way to be there for him. That is, if the aloneness of this whole situation doesn't kill me first.

Some Thoughts on Autism Awareness Month

The month of April has come to a close, and with it ends Autism Awareness Month.

However, so many of us don't have an end to Autism. It is an ongoing, daily struggle filled with accomplishments, setbacks, discoveries, joy and pain. It is a journey, and the topography changes moment by moment. However, it is filled with the most wonderful people you could ever come across.

But we as a community are fractured. Broken. Divided.

Split along lines that should not be there; dividing a group that needs to band together to help our children and our friends and family members gather hope and strength to face our special brand of challenges.

To help us weather this storm.

Here are some things I would like the Autism Community to really think about and consider making changes to in the next year:

• Start thinking about what the future holds for our children on the Spectrum.

  Our focus has been laser-like on the birth-to-three side of the disorder, and you will hear no argument from me that early intervention is key; but in our haste to put all of our eggs in one basket and cure! recover! heal! we have overlooked a large group of children on the spectrum that still need assistance - the Adults. All of these children grow up to be adults, and as they age, the assistance gets less and less. The transition from young adult to adult is equally as important to a child on the spectrum as it is for that same child during early childhood. We need to remember to look at their lives as a spectrum as well, and provide assistance throughout their entire lives.

• Acknowledge that not all children can be "cured" of Autism, and that most are not.

  This is what is fracturing the Autism community and giving false hope to parents. I am not Jenny McCarthy, my child is not "cured", and many of us need to be okay with that. My son is a teenager, and while he has grown by leaps and bounds, he still has challenges that will plague him the rest of his life. We need to be okay with the thought that this is a process. I tell my friends that have read Ms. McCarthy's books (I have as well for purposes of full disclosure) that I would like to see what she has to say in a few years when her son gets older. I think she will find that the "cure" she spoke of in her books is not the permanent one she was hoping for.

• That money has been funneled into the wrong areas for far too long.

  Many parents, myself included, are tired of hearing that more money from Autism charities are being funneled into discovering how this happened and which additives in vaccines caused this. Should we "Green our Vaccines"? Absolutely. Should we change the schedule? Probably. Should we be the only group saying this to the world at large?

  NO.

  We need to find another soapbox that fits the needs of ALL of our children on the Spectrum, not just the ones who get the most air and face time. Not just the younger ones.

  If you are going to Rescue an entire Generation, it helps to make sure you include everyone, no?

• Start building a community; one that serves ALL in it.

  I had the pleasure recently to spend time with a group of kids and their families that cancer had touched in some way, shape or form. What struck me deep in my heart was the bond these people share, the closeness, the support. People from all walks of life, celebrities, sports heroes, all donate time, resources and money to support and care for these families in this scary, rough and expensive time. And they keep on giving and many pay it forward after they no longer need as much help. The Autism community has nothing like this, and quite frankly it breaks my heart. If we had had even one-tenth of this amazing resource to help families share, bond, get assistance, and gather strength and hope; it would be amazing. If this help is available to us currently, it more than likely has strings attached. Strings of "cure".

• Remember that we are not perfect, and that there is so much to learn.

  Take a class. Listen in on a Webinar. Read. Discuss. Tell your story; don't be afraid or embarassed. We need to learn from each other. We need to spread the word. Autism and Spectrum Disorders are relatively new to the world vernacular, and we need to raise awareness. That being said…

• Don't scare people by sending frightening messages related to Autism.

  Don't equate Autism to a plague, or a horrific act. Someone who I follow on Twitter sends out messages about Autism that only confuse and frighten people. Scaring people into learning about Autism only mixes our message even further. There are many people who are coming forward and revealing that they have ASD and grew up during a time when many had no idea how to work with people who had Autism. Their stories are inspirational, and we need to pay attention.

• Appreciate how far we have come…

  Autism has had more air time in recent months than in previous years. That's a good thing. The fact that there are services for our children, therapies and interventions to help our children grow and function in society is something to be proud of. The accommodations in the schools and the support staff to help our children has increased three-fold. It's wonderful to see.

• …but remember we have so much further to go.

  We need to do more. We need to ask for more. We need to demand more. We need to ask for more services. We need to build an infrastructure to support our families who have no idea what to do or where to go when they are just starting down the road. We need to help those still struggling down that road. We need to work with the medical community to build a stronger protocol to get testing and services for our children earlier than second grade.

• So let's get together and feel all right.

  Let's get together on our global message and remember to include everyone, not just the people that fit a particular (cured) category. Let's work together to spread the collective word that while some children see great improvement with different interventions; let's remember that one size does not fit all, and we need to look at the bigger picture for our children. The lifetime picture.

  So, same time next April then?

crossposted on 5 Minutes for Special Needs Shash is a mom of 2 boys, one with Asperger's Syndrome and one we're not sure where he'll land on the spectrum. You can find her tipping at windmills as a Teaching Assistant in an Elementary School. Shash also writes at her home blog, Diary of a Crazed Mommy.

For the Last Time, It's NOT My Parenting (and if you ask again, I'm Going To Throw You Off A Bridge)

It started over tea. She wanted to have a tea party. But she didn't want to use water. That's for babies! She wanted me to make tea. Which I couldn't do, I was helping her older sister with her Algebra. Part of homeschooling is taking turns. Littles, at 7, isn't always good with that. Well, let's face it, she is really bad at it. When it is her turn, she expects everyone else to wait. But make her wait? And it is Meltdown-City. She will extract her pound of flesh, one way or another. Of course, it passed. It always does. But the aftermath for me is the hardest part. The way I am left feeling: drained, defeated, ready to cry.

I suppose I shouldn't be too upset. She hasn't had a tantrum all week long. Her dad was gone for ten days and in that time, she has been fine. We have had a few missteps here and there, but no full blown I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU episodes. Maybe that means she is getting older. Maybe that means the developmental delay that is Autism Spectrum Disorder is righting itself. Maybe that means the naked chanting that I did by melting green crayon and throwing sheets to the wind has paid off. (I am just kidding about that last part.) Maybe it's just that the tide is high and the moon is low. Hell, I don't know.

And that's part of the problem. I don't know. If you ask me a question about grammar or algebra or llama breeding, I can probably tell you. Or, barring that, I can find out. But as far as the exact reason my daughter is tantrumming, or the tried and true foolproof method of stopping said fit, that seems to be missing on Google. Certainly there are suggestions, but what if they don't work? What then? With children, you don't add A to B and necessarily get C.

If I was a carpenter, I would be sure that I have the latest tools, the best ones to get the job done. A hammer will always work as a hammer. A level, well, that's designed for leveling. With just a few simple tools, a carpenter can build many things. With a few more, he becomes a master craftsman. It can take a lifetime to wield the tools correctly. But even if his skill is only passable, he will be able to create a chair.

As a parent, I work hard to develop my parenting skills. I think if had neurotypical children I would be a pretty good parent. I add tools to my toolbox often. They say if you only tool you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail. I am guilty of this at times. But a soft word or patience? Those don't always work. In truth, there are times that I run out of tools in my toolbox. I keep thinking if I just gain more gadgets, if I just learn more schematics, I will, eventually, build the Taj Mahal. But with autism? All bets are off. Sometimes, a level ends up as a fulcrum. Or a hammer ends up as a paper weight. Sometimes, I end up dancing around like a monkey because I have to think outside the box. Down is up, and and Left is Right and OhMyGod is it 5 o' clock yet??

I am not a drinker. I have a bit of Irish Cream or Kahlua in my hot cocoa or coffee about twice a month. A glass of wine about as often. And though I talk about it, I just don't do it. There are times I wish I did drink more. Then I wouldn't care so damn much when I reach the end of the toolbox and find nothing but sandpaper and a ball ping hammer. But I do care, and it kills me and I always wonder, why can't I be a better parent? Why can't I help her calm down before she gets to that place where she is completely unreasonable? Why must I be left feeling like a hollow shell with every nerve exposed? What am I doing wrong?

Tina Cruz is a writer, wife and mother of three children, two who have high-functioning autism, one who has Asperger's tendencies. She advocates for autism awareness and education, as well as acceptance. She views autism as a growth process and the opportunity to connect parents for support as a privilege. She is the Special Needs Editor at typeamom and her own site, Send Chocolate reflects her passion for her children and autism. She is the founder and editor here at Autism Sucks.

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Three Cheers For Poop!

Never in my life did I think I would call my child over to look at my poop. Never. Disgusting, right? Now, we've all taken a look at our own BM's (bowel movements for those that haven't discussed poop extensively in a clinical setting), perhaps been impressed or grossed out, but that's between you and you, and is extremely personal. But how do you toilet train an Autistic child who isn't speaking yet, and rarely makes nonverbal requests (unless you include gesticulating wildly when he catches a glimpse of Rice Krispie squares on the kitchen counter)? Modeling the appropriate behaviour is one way (hence showing Max my poop). Another key part of toilet training for a child with Autism is getting him used to the routine of toileting, even before he is actually ready to toilet train.
Max will be 3 years old on April 23rd. We know he isn't anywhere near being ready to "poop in the potty". It may take him a year or even two before he can manage it. If you think about it, there is a lot required for going the bathroom. If you break the process down, it's no surprise that kids, let alone kids with Autism, find it challenging. We are breaking the process down into tiny steps for Max so that he will gradually be able to incorporate them into his routine. The hope is that when he is ready, toilet training will be less stressful on all of us because he understands what is expected of him.
This is the toileting process as I see it:
Recognize that you have to go to the bathroom
Let an adult know you have to go the bathroom (verbal or nonverbal communication)
Go to the actual physical bathroom
Lift toilet lid, get little toilet seat in place
Pull pants down, pull underwear down
Sit on toilet
Relax
Poop
Wipe bum
Pull underwear up, pull pants up
Get down from toilet
Admire poop (you know you do this, admit it)
Flush toilet
Get up on stool to wash hands
Turn water on
Soap up hands (the soap texture is hard for some Autistic kids)
Rub hands together
Rinse hands
Dry hands
Do a big cheer for completing the process
That's no less than 20 steps! Geez...and we parents expect our kids to get this down in a day? Seems a bit unreasonable, even for a neurotypical kid.
We have reduced the process down to 3 steps for Max:
Change diaper
Put poop in potty, flush
Wash hands
He seems to be fairly comfortable with these steps, and isn't objecting to having his diaper changed nearly as much as he used to. I think this is because he knows that when we go in the bathroom, it is to change his diaper. We are being very clear about what is going to happen by using an activity strip, and telling him what we are doing and what is going to come next. He now reaches for the handle to flush the toilet after we put his poop in the toilet, and then moves to the stool to get up to wash his hands. I need to add a "dry hands" image for him, and also put a picture of a diaper on the front of the bathroom door so that he can either point to it, or bring it to me when he needs a diaper change. This process will not be completed in one day, but it will eventually result in Max being toilet trained. We just have to remind ourselves that this is a marathon and not a race.
One more thing - if you live in Canada, and your child is over the age of 3 years old and has a disability, you are eligible to receive funding for diapers from Easter Seals. With the costs of Max's therapy mounting, I am looking forward to getting help paying for diapers (though hopefully we won't need it for very long!)
Katrina Carefoot is a working mom with two children, her son Max, almost 3, and her daughter Cameron, almost 1. She works as a Marketing Manager in Toronto and writes about Autism, pop culture, and all things mommy at Fickle Feline.

Autism and Girls

this is a repeat of a post on my personal blog from about a year ago..

Not a lot is written about girls and autism, because it is just beginning to be understood. When Hans Asperger first classified it, he thought he had found a boys-only disease. It wasn't until years later that we are finding that more girls are affected than originally thought. The rate for those referred to for diagnostic tests is about ten boys to every one girl. But of those, the rate of diagnosis is one in four. That's one girl for every four boys diagnosed. This rate holds true for both classic and high-functioning autism/Asperger's Syndrome.

In the book edited by Tony Attwood, Asperger's and Girls mentions that one of the reasons that girls are less often referred for diagnosis could be that because girls are naturally more nurturing than boys, they take the "shy and awkward" girls under their wing. In this way, they teach them the social rules.

As a mother of both a boy and a girl with autism, I would agree that girls give more benefit of the doubt than boys do. Girls in elementary school can be kind and helpful to a girl who just doesn't get it. JBug, my oldest daughter had this experience with a friend. She is naturally slow to warm, reticent around new people or experiences. Her friend took her aside and taught her "Embarrassing Lessons," which was really just a way to teach her to laugh at herself and not be so self-concious. JBean has first grade friends that are very kind to her and accept her for who she is, at least at this age. In contrast, JBear has struggled with his peers, who find him "weird" and "obsessed." He often feels ostracized when it really was a matter of just being able to read cues in order to join a game.

JBug's friend also came alongside her and taught her some of what Brenda Smith Myles calls "the hidden curriculum," that is, all of the things that no one ever tells a child, that are considered polite, or kind. For instance, if JBear were to talk about Indiana Jones and as he was doing so, the person he was speaking with kept glancing at his watch and looking over my son's head , think that has happened before? that would be pretty clear to me that the person had somewhere to go and the conversation needed to come to a close. Someone with HFA/Asperger's would not get this reference. He would have missed the entire "non-verbal" conversation. According to a UCLA study, 93% of conversation is non-verbal. So you can see how difficult it can be to interact if you are effectively blind to the social cues!

In my experience, girls in elementary school are much more forgiving of social gaffes. By the time a girl reaches jr. high, it is expected that she will "know" the right things to do and say. If she does not, most girls will distance themselves from the girl who is less socially-savvy. Since girls bond with their "drama," any girl who doesn't play the game will almost certainly be, if not ostracized, just not befriended. I work as a church youth worker with jr high girls (now going into high school). For two years I have watched this happen. The interesting thing to me is that if a girl is more severely affected by Asperger's, they do give a little more leeway, but they still do not count that person as a friend. If a church group operates this way, I can only imagine that school must be even more difficult for a girl with Asperger's Syndrome.

I ran across this article a while ago, about the perils of Asperger's as a female. The information is older, but it bears repeating.

Dr Lorna Wing is a veteran psychiatrist who devoted her career to studying autism after her only child, Susie, was diagnosed with a severe form of the condition. She says girls on the autistic spectrum often appear "normal" at first meeting. "They appear to be more social than boys with autism, but then you notice that their sociability tends to be inappropriate," she says. "They might go on and on talking about the things they are interested in, and they fail to notice that you're not remotely interested. They have a poor ability to 'read' people, and that's something that's often very highly developed in females."from the Guardian

The article goes on to state that it can be difficult in the workplace for a woman with autism, because she doesn't pick up the social cues or display the empathy and understanding that many associate with females. She may face problems because of judgment.

This means that women with autism often struggle at work because they lack what is often taken for granted in women - the intuitive ability to understand where people are coming from and how to manage situations. Because of subtle sex differences, we tend to "expect" more of women in the workplace in terms of smoothing things over, of saying the right thing; and whereas we would excuse a man who lacked these abilities, we are subliminally a lot less forgiving of a woman who has similar shortcomings. from the Guardian

With all of this gloom and doom, sure I am concerned for my girls' futures. JBug has never been diagnosed with Asperger's, but has many traits that come with it, including brilliance, which will serve her well. She is already smarter than I am...shhh! Don't tell her! I believe JBug will be fine, eventually. She will find her niche and her "people"...once the drama from high school stage is finished. She doesn't have time for the gossip or the "immaturity" of her peers. Sometimes she is too serious for her own good. She will land in a scientific community, where Logic is king and Rationality rules all.

My youngest daughter is an enigma to me. JBean has been diagnosed with Autistic Disorder, but is pretty high-functioning. I don't quite know what will happen with JBean. She is content to sit and play with her toys, making voices for all of the Ponies, Pet Shops and Puppy in my Pockets. She makes up long and winding songs about the same. She will often play, undisturbed for hours, if I let her. But she also enjoys cuddling with those she loves, reading (or rather, learning to read) and playing/arguing with her brother and sister. All sounds normal, doesn't it? And yet... there is that certain "something" that makes the autism diagnosis.

She cuddles a little too much, too hard, and doesn't stop when first asked. Her voice is just a bit *too high-pitched, almost baby talk. When she wants your attention she goes from 0 decibels to 999,999 in a split second. We say she has two settings: normal, and car alarm. She is very private about her thoughts, and I don't know if that is because she isn't keyed into them, or she just keeps them to herself. She is very difficult to read, and I am good at reading people.

She is still so young. Who knows what time and training have in store for her? And maybe as we go, more research will be completed that explains more of the mystery behind autism and what exactly we can do about it. I am thankful for articles in mainstream publications that shed light on the issue of girls and autism, but they are few and far between. For now, I continue to work with her, read a lot and pray. I definitely pray.

Tina Cruz is a writer, wife and mother of three children, two who have high-functioning autism, one who has Asperger's tendencies. She advocates for autism awareness and education, as well as acceptance. She views autism as a growth process and the opportunity to connect parents for support as a privilege. She is the Special Needs Editor at typeamom and her own site, Send Chocolate reflects her passion for her children and autism. She is the founder and editor here at Autism Sucks.

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What's The Point of School?

The following is in response to a comment made on the last post regarding homeschooling for autistic kids. It refers to a comment from a special education teacher. Go read it, first. Califmom's response needed to be its own post.

Sorry to be petty here, but if the argument to send my child to school is being put forth by a teacher who has more grammar/spelling mistakes in his comment than content, I have a difficult time swallowing that pill.

However, I'm a bigger person than the product of my (formally schooled) environment. So, I'll bite.

What I read in Mr. Black's comment is that my son should attend a formal, school setting in order to experience poor treatment by his age mates and failed social situations, which will then require the support of a team of professionals.

This scenario is seen as superior to providing my child with social experiences outside the academic setting, where stress is lower, and success is higher, which then result in positive experiences in the building blocks of his social competence.

Underlying all of this is an assumption by Mr. Black that I, as the parent of the child, check my opinions at the door, trust the system, and let the professionals do their job.

Mr. Black, just so you know, we were not always homeschoolers. We didn't even choose this path, initially.

In fact, for over 7 years, my children attended an expensive, award-winning private school that touted its ability to address special needs.

My personal educational background is in child development and elementary education.

We did not arrive at our decision to homeschool because we had some idea that it would be a great way to exclude our child from the artificial construct we currently call our schools, an institution largely existent as a remnant of the Industrial Revolution and the requirement that we produce a society of factory workers with a similar world view--followers, non-thinkers, non-questioners.

We arrived at this decision via a difficult path, but we are beyond pleased with the results we see in our children. More, our family and friends are impressed with the change they see in our children.

You see, nowhere else are we grouped in such an artificial fashion as we are in a traditional school setting. Children are grouped by age, and often ability (or disability), and then expected to derive value from this socialization.

I have yet to find a workplace (the argument most put forth for a school-based education is to 'get a job') comprised of same-age coworkers. Have you?

Aside from prisons and psychiatric wards, nowhere else do we lock people in for the day and attempt to control their behavior. Seems odd that we expect only 1 of 3 of those scenarios to be appropriate for all members of our society.

I want more for my child, and I have the ability to provide it. Maybe it's not what everyone can provide their child. Maybe it's not the right thing for everyone, but it is what is meeting the needs of my children and our family. It's also the beauty of living somewhere that provides us this freedom.

If you really want to boggle your mind, Google unschooling. That's what we do. I'm guessing it'll make your head fall off, but maybe it will just open your mind.

Because of her son, califmom knows more than she wants to about Asperger and Tourette Syndromes. She doesn't think autism needs to be cured. She does think that autistic spectrum disorders are more likely orders--another way of being in this world. Visit her at califmom and califmom homeschools.

For the Holidays

Just a reminder that the Holidays can really suck if you have a child with autism. Sucks for them, sucks for you, sucks for everyone around. In regards to the kids, it's mostly overstimulation. Too much going on, changes in their routine, overload of gifts and people and BOOM! Meltdown City. Sometimes it just can't be helped, but try your best to make things business as usual for your kids on the spectrum. Don't let your relatives push you or your kids into a situation that will lead to even more chaos. If you have determined that your kids can only handle opening 3 gifts at a time without going into a paper tearing, package wrecking frenzy, then don't let great aunt Sally push another present on little Johnny as she says, "Oh, it's just one more! What can it hurt? I want to see his face when he opens it!" (side note: often little Johnny will not ever remember who gave him what, let alone remember who great aunt Sally is.) If this does happen, great aunt Sally will be the one with the weird look on her face as little Johnny opens the present, takes one look and tosses it aside, as it's not what he's currently fixated on. It's also a very lonely time of year for us grownups. Often, even our families don't fully comprehend what autism is (heck, they don't live it 24/7). They shake their heads at the kids' outbursts, furrow their brows and look aghast at the weird behaviors, and often will request that you and your 'special' kids come late and leave early, if you're invited at all. You'd think that people would be more accommodating, as it's the kids that have the disability, yet all sorts of otherwise 'typical' adults are either so uncomfortable with your kids autism or so inflexible at having their 'good' holiday 'ruined' that they just don't want you & your non-typical mess around. I learned, after many years of trying to integrate the boys into the usual family gatherings, that it was too rough on the boys, as well as me. Now we host Christmas Eve at my house, we invite everyone, and only ask that people let us know how many are coming, so we can have enough food and time to prep the boys. This is good for the boys, who can wander off at will and play with those things that are familiar to them. The problem with this set-up is that a lot of time, not everyone comes, or they will come late and leave early so as not to have to deal with the autism world too long. Either way, you often find yourself alone for a good chunk of the holidays, with only your autistic non-social kids to keep you company. I have no solution to this, other than to tell you to keep tabs on your friends who also have kids on the spectrum, because they're the only ones who really know what you're going through. Total side note but also relevant - please be careful of light displays with blinking or flashing lights. These can often trigger seizures in special needs kids, and just because yours hasn't had one yet doesn't mean it's never going to happen. Better to be safe than in the emergency room on Christmas. Bobbie is the mother of twin boys with autism, one high-functioning and one lower-functioning. She doesn't have time to blog, but you can follow her on twitter: @Bobbie42