Sunday, May 16, 2010

trivial...yet huge...why.

Shaking inside, walking around the house as a madwoman. Yelling at anything crossing my path, poor dog. My big gentle giant seems to just be in the wrong place at the wrong time....again and again. Why...why cant my son tell me where it hurts, Why cant i get across to him that I'm only trying to help.

Why does this damned fever keep coming and going, and why doesn't he want me?? He wants daddy, and he's sure to let me know.

Shaking inside...pacing about...."why is the frigg'n air not working again?!" This then leads to....finding and picking out everything i HATE about my house, forgetting all the things i love about it. "You know what the problem is i bet...plumber told you to leave the vents open, you didn't" Of course i know its not my husbands fault its just part of the cycle, these events hurt everyone. Why....the hell does he still love me??

Does he?

Tonight....tonight is a bad night. My son needs to see a doctor and I cant take him. Three of us holding him down and still no exam could be preformed. He needs an exam badly. "ouch" grabbing various areas of his body...lately his genitals.

Tonight, i feel so lost.

I feel inadequate as mom.

I feel undeserving of love..

I feel undeserving of this rant. This is nothing....nothing to so many, yet tonight...for me, this is huge, and i don't get it..

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  1. The best I can do is offer compassion. To let you know I ache for you and to hope that things get better.

  2. Wanna come and sit in my padded cell with me?

    We can cry without anyone seeing or hearing us as it is soundprrof.

  3. I've been down that twisty road. Those are the days I try to breathe and go minute by minute. Thinking of you and wishing you peace from afar.


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